Red Light-Green Light

Red Light-Green Light-Red Light… So the childhood schoolyard game goes. Start, stop, resist the urge to move, listen, move, stand still.

It was a game of Red Light Green Light that morning on the school playground that left me feeling like I was approaching an intersection where the light had just turned yellow: Do I stop and wait? Or am I far enough in I can go? Sometimes it is not clear.

There I was, dropping my son off on the playground as I have for the past four years. Our goodbyes in the morning have always been the kind every parent treasures-a big heartfelt embrace or two, kisses exchanged along with ritualized wishes and guidance to “be kind, have fun, work hard, see you after school”. Sometimes my parting is immediate, but not without the rituals, due to the demands of the workday. But more often he would dart off to join friends or start or join in on an imaginative  game. I would watch with delight while visiting with parents and teachers. There were no yellow lights then-I knew that he wanted and needed our affectionate parting rituals. I would wave or call to him and he would come running from wherever-often at full speed into my embrace. A time or two I snuck away only to be met with a tearful admonishment at the end of the day “You left without giving me a hug.” No yellow lights at all.

But on this day, that game of Red Light Green Light pulled him away immediately and things felt different. He was having so much fun and so deeply engaged in the game, that I was uncertain of what to do. Standing at a yellow light so to speak, uncertain if I should go or stay. I stood awkwardly like I was at a middle school dance standing on the sidelines wondering if I was going to be asked to dance or if I should ask someone to dance.

My gut told me that this day was different. So I waved and blew a kiss and went on my way. And so here I find myself, on the cusp of another mile marker in his development and our parent child relationship. It is another moment of letting go a little in little ways. Watching him slowly turn his attention, as he should, to his peers and the world outside of my embrace.

Obeying traffic signals and signs is a bit more cut and dry than this parenting thing. Sure, there are judgements we make and risks we take or refrain from taking. But in parenting, few things are as clear as a red light or green light-there are yellow lights at every turn, at least that is my experience. So I’ll continue to stay observant, let go a little following his cues, and always be ready to embrace when he returns from his adventures into the world.

Red Light-Green Light.