The Delicious Now

Me: “…I was in a car accident in the past.”

Son: “What!? You lived in the past?”

After I finished chuckling to myself, I thought; “Oh goodness, if you only knew how much I live in the past!”

Children as you likely are aware, are generally “present centered”; What happened yesterday for them is easily released-their mood and thoughts changing sometimes moment to moment. At the same time the promise or worry of tomorrow is hard for them to want for or imagine-so they live in the now. My kiddo is particularly “nowish” in nature-save the anticipation of Santa Claus. Whether he is deep in imaginary play or outside immersing himself in the earth with all of his senses, or reaching out to me for comfort or affection-he is all in the now.

Then, there is us grownups, or perhaps I should just speak for myself, there is me. If I am not ruminating about, repeating, or longing for the past, I might be worrying about or hoping for something in the future. When it comes to my child, I probably spend more mental time replaying my last parenting blunder or worrying about how I will handle a future parenting challenge, than I do truly being present to him. In the car, on the couch, even sometimes (gasp) while reading him a story-I struggle to just be all there, the way he is. My version of being in the now with him often looks like this: He is playing by himself nearby while I am frantically working or doing some household task. Certainly, my job has demands I must meet, but if I am being honest, there are many occasions where I have a choice to do or think about work versus what is right in front of me for the taking. And I am not even going to mention my over-preoccupation with the various distractions my phone provides. Not much room in there for the now, is there?

What message do I send to my son because of all of my mental time travel? At minimum, he is experiencing “Mom is busy, mom is here but not here.” At worst, he may experience me as not truly caring to be present to him-that my distance is about him (after all, kids are not only in the now, but also self-centered by development and therefore assume most things are about/because of them). My difficulty being present can be/is hurtful to him, and to our bond. It is my loss too–our loss-all that we miss by being in the past or future or just somewhere else in our minds and actions.

Despite my best efforts, I am not sure if I will ever be a fully in the now human-but what I know I can experience with my son, if I allow myself, is to be fully present in as many moments as possible and to catch myself when I drift away from him. It is a discipline and decision for sure-to set aside the worry for the future, the stress of the work, or rumination about the past. But I know it is worthwhile challenge. So here’s to putting down the phone, tuning out the email, turning down the noise in my head, and immersing myself in the delicious now that he offers.

Here’s to more now.