Picture this: It is four days before I leave for my 30th high school reunion and I find myself standing in the beauty isle of a local retailer. I am looking at anti-aging products with key words such as collagen, firming, retinol, rejuvenating. However, without my reading glasses in tow I have to squint to attempt to read the “promise” of the product on the box (do any of them produce reliable results in four days?)? Alas, I cannot read the box. I sigh and admonish myself for not following through with ANYTHING my reunion vanity/insecurity list of six months ago:
- whitening strips for my teeth
- see the dermatologist about my skin
- finally schedule that professional make up consultant to deal with droopy eyes
- lose those extra holiday pounds
- get in shape
Life got busy and as things often go, I did not get around to my reunion to-do list. It is silly I know, to worry about such superficial things. I am generally not a superficial/vain person beyond the norm-in fact I sometimes think my more internally focused obsession on analyzing my thoughts and behavior is a bit much for my own good. Yet it seems that events such as a class reunion bring out the insecurity in force. I doubt that my worry about anti-aging or looking “good” for this occasion is out of the ordinary. In fact, as I have shared my trip plans with others, often the first thing I have been asked is “What will you wear?” or “Are you nervous?” or a comment like “Good thing you just went to the beach, you are nice and tan!”
It seems that for many of us these events throw us back to the mentality of our youth where having a hair out-of-place can ruin one’s day and having the latest, greatest fashion item is of paramount importance. As adolescents, we are developing more fully our identities, seeking approval and alignment with peers, while differentiating ourselves from our parents. I think these developmental tasks and realities make many of us feel (at least in reflection) a bit inauthentic, insecure or unknown. (for me all of those things were true and were compounded by some other personal realities at the time that made me feel particularly invisible –but that is a longer reflection for a different day).
The irony of this worry is that for me, and I suspect many other of my same age classmates, I feel like I am at more peace with my physical and emotional self than ever before. Of course, I still worry about my appearance and have negative feelings from time to time about the ways in which the “calendar” is beginning to affect my body. But those feelings are balanced with a deeper comfort with myself and my life, and a more reflective and humorous view of the realities and dynamics of the past etc. This comfort makes my “reunion to do list” and failed attempt in the beauty aisle particularly curious to me.
So why would we want to reunite with those old feelings as the backdrop? Well of course what I have described is not a holistic view of our experiences in high school-many of us have deeply rooted friendships that have stood the test of time, fond memories that connect us, and certainly nostalgia for our younger days that drive our desire for reuniting. Perhaps the aforementioned comfort we come to know in our own skin that drives us to go and reconnect. Despite my last-ditch attempt to reverse the years on my face, when I think about what I hope for in my attending this reunion it is this; I hope that with as many folks as I can, I am able to genuinely connect and re acquaint. I hope that I am able to share bits of my life as it has evolved, not the collagen treated version of my life, but my real life in all of its hills and valleys. I hope that I am able to put others at ease such that they can feel genuine in their connection as well.
So here I come, with droopy eyes, laugh lines forged from joys and sorrows, and teeth representing a life fueled by good cups of coffee. I sure hope no one wears their reading glasses!
Spin Cycle 