“Want to shoot some hoops?” This was the question, born out of summer boredom, that came my way. “Not really”, I thought to myself. I really wanted to continue my organizing chores of the day, futile as they often are. However, heeding the wisdom of other parents of teens, I know that a “bid” for time with your teenager should never be refused!
So there we were, playing a game of PIG which turned into COW and DOG and a few other random animal names. I honestly do not recall how the singing started, or even if it was me or him who had the tune stuck in our head and started singing first. Regardless, it happened-we were playing basketball and singing a duet; A Whole New World from the Disney film Aladdin.
“A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view, now that we’re way up here, it’s crystal clear, that now I’m in a whole new world with you.”
A whole new world, that is how it feels as your child transitions into adolescence/young adulthood, doesn’t it? Things are unfamiliar and you have to explore and learn to find your way. There’s the physical “new world” in parenting a teen, where the child you once had to bend down to be eye to eye with now meets your gaze or has to bend themselves to be level-eyed with you. It’s a new world, that evolves right before your eyes, and simultaneously catches you by surprise.
“No one to tell us ‘No’ or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming.”
Then there’s the new world of your relationship dynamic and role. Just as Aladdin declared freedom from being told “no” or where to go, a teen’s developmental task in is to separate, to test the waters of their own independence, to form their own perspective, and even to push back now and then. As a parent this can make one feel “over sideways and under” as the song says! Our role in this new world as parents is to let go a bit, to shift from the role of director, do-er, and teacher, to that of guide, supporter and coach.
Letting go of my “doing” role as a parent is turning out to be particularly challenging for me. I have found a lot of joy, for the most part, in taking care of my son over the years from packing lunches to folding his clothes to making plans for him and more. Undoing my “doing identity” is a struggle for sure as my caregiving impulse is strong, and if I am being honest, feels like a way for us to stay connected. And yet, I recognize that I am doing him no favors by doing all the things for him that he will one day soon need to take responsibility for and feel competent at. This whole new world for me necessitates my discomfort in not doing, expecting more from him, building his self-competence.
“Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling.”
In this new world we are in together, I feel like I am freewheeling most of the time, unsure about the exact right approach to a sullen mood or a request for advice. Keeping the “new horizons” he is pursing in mind, I am trying on the one hand to not get triggered by his distance, and on the other hand be conscious to stay in a guiding role-vs. giving advice, when he does invite me into his new world, sharing his experiences and struggles.
“Indescribable feeling.”
Parenting a burgeoning adult is also “shining, shimmering and splendid” as you witness the unfolding of your child into a young adult. Articulating their own opinions, trying on new roles and relationships, navigating real world situations, and having conversations with you that are adult-like.
This new world requires us to watch our kids ride on a magic carpet while we worry from the ground about their safety, sanity and company (Who’s driving this magic carpet anyhow?). My “new fantastic point of view” has me looking up with curiosity, pride, and of course some healthy parental fear, as my kid pursues his new world-“wonder by wonder”.
In the meantime, I’ll be waiting here until he comes around for another game of PIG.
Spin Cycle 